I want to go home.

I really want to participate in more Church activities. I want to go to single’s ward. I want to go to Institute. I miss the feeling that everything is right with the world. I don’t have that right now. I go to Church, but cut out after Sacrament because I go to a family ward and all the adult classes have old people. It’s basically like being home sick. I miss it.

Shake It Out

I was doing really well, you know? Two weeks is a long time to go without doing what you are addicted to. It really is. So I blew it. I expected better of myself. I know I can do better.

“Relapses are expected” blah, blah, blah.

I know I have the strength to quit. I just gave in because I was bored, but I knew I could be doing other things to relieve that boredom. It has been two nights of giving in.

God, please give me the strength and the will to resist tonight. I want so much more for my life and I can’t get it if I keep giving in. I resisted for two weeks. Why couldn’t I those two nights?

All I want is my own life. I can’t do it with this big huge thing weighing me down. It is a weight that feels like a literal ton on my back and I need the strength to shake it off.

“Shake It Out” by Florence and the Machine

Regrets collect like old friends
Here to relive your darkest moments
I can see no way, I can see no way
And all of the ghouls come out to play

And every demon wants his pound of flesh
But I like to keep some things to myself
I like to keep my issues drawn
It’s always darkest before the dawn

And I’ve been a fool and I’ve been blind
I can never leave the past behind
I can see no way, I can see no way
I’m always dragging that horse around

Our love is questioned, such a mournful sound
Tonight I’m gonna bury that horse in the ground
So I like to keep my issues drawn
But it’s always darkest before the dawn

Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
And it’s hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh whoa

And I am done with my graceless heart
So tonight I’m gonna cut it out and then restart
‘Cause I like to keep my issues drawn
It’s always darkest before the dawn

Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
And it’s hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh whoa

And it’s hard to dance with a devil on your back
And given half the chance would I take any of it back
It’s a fine romance but it’s left me so undone
It’s always darkest before the dawn

Oh whoa, oh whoa…

And I’m damned if I do and I’m damned if I don’t
So here’s to drinks in the dark at the end of my road
And I’m ready to suffer and I’m ready to hope
It’s a shot in the dark aimed right at my throat
‘Cause looking for heaven, found the devil in me
Looking for heaven, found the devil in me
Well what the hell I’m gonna let it happen to me, yeah

Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
And it’s hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh whoa

Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
And it’s hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh whoa

~~~~~

My new favorite song :)

Seriously, what do I do?

What can I do but move on? All I can really do is get back up on my feet and keep walking.

In movies they always make the recovery process seem so damn heroic, but it’s really not. It is a day by day, step by long and boring step, process to becoming a normal, fully-functioning person. Then again, I don’t think most people are fully-functioning, but that is what I want for myself.

I’m tired of waking up feeling horrible about myself. I loved those two weeks. It was like freedom, I was happy.