Japan, Rome, and Church. (Long rant, but whatever)

My friend has gone on a mission for our Church. We are the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, in case you didn’t know. She (yes, females can go, just a bit later than the males) is currently in Japan.

–I have to interrupt that train of thought. This song is amazing. I am in love with it. You can skip if you want, it’s more for me to remember the song, because I lost my old iPod and so many songs from little known artists were on there that I loved, and I can’t for the life of me remember the band names or song titles. It’s so sad, anyways–

Trading Yesterday’s song Shattered

Yesterday I died, tomorrow’s bleeding
Fall into your sunlight
The future’s open wide beyond believing
To know why hope dies
Losing what was found, a world so hollow
Suspended in a compromise
The silence of this sound is soon to follow
Somehow sundown

And finding answers
Is forgetting all of the questions we call home
Passing the graves of the unknown

As reason clouds my eyes, with splendor fading
Illusions of the sunlight
And the reflection of a lie will keep me waiting
Love gone for so long

This day’s ending is the proof of time killing all the faith I know
Knowing that faith is all I hold

And Ive lost who I am
And I can’t understand
Why my heart is so broken
Rejecting your love
Without love gone wrong
Life
Less words
Carry on

But i know
All i know
Is that the ends beginning

Who I am from the start
Take me home to my heart
Let me go
And I will run
I will not be silenced

All this time spent in vain
Wasted years
Wasted gain
All is lost
Hope remains
And this war’s not over

Theres a light
Theres the sun
Taking all the shattered ones
To the place we belong
And his love will conquer

And Ive lost who I am
And I can’t understand
Why my heart is so broken
Rejecting your love
Without love gone wrong
Life
Less words
Carry on

But i know
All i know
Is that the ends beginning

Who I am from the start
Take me home to my heart
Let me go
And I will run
I will not be silenced

All this time spent in vain
Wasted years
Wasted gain
All is lost
Hope remains
And this war’s not over

Theres a light
Theres the sun
Taking all the shattered ones
To the place we belong
And his love will conquer all
Yes his love will conquer all

Yesterday I died, tommorrows bleeding
Fall into your sunlight

–And now back to my original train of thought. She’s in Japan, and for some reason she always (well, not always, but most of the time I have known her) says she is depressed. I have no idea if she actually is, because whenever she said it, she was playing around. I don’t think she knows what real depression is. If she does then I sympathize. I was very depressed recently and had to go to a psych ward. But I wasn’t suicidal (only technically because I was that level of depression and the only reason I would never kill myself is because of my religion, because I truly believe it and if I did die, I would have to see my parents and own up to all my mistakes and that is just something I am not ready to do, therefore I can not kill myself) and I wasn’t homicidal, so they had me as an outpatient, which is basically the same as inpatient, but shorter and I got to go home at night. Anyway, I don’t get her. She has nothing to be depressed about, as far as I know. Her parents are very rich, continually supportive, and the rest of her family is loving. I honestly don’t know of any real trials she has had in her life. Again though, I have to remind myself that I don’t know everything about her. It is just kind of annoying.

As for Rome, I have the chance to go to Rome to study abroad next semester, and I have not got on it yet. That’s something I need to do. Also, I need to apply for many, many scholarships, because that is the only way I will have money for the trip. I am not rich at all, I just know how to work the system.

I am not going to go on a mission for my Church. I feel like I should and have felt that way for so long, but I am not at the spiritual place I need to be in life in order to go, and that is not my Church talking, that is my own feeling on it. I really wish I could, but I have a lot of issues to work out. I have depression (which I am taking bupropion and going to therapy for) over a lot of things in my life, including caretaker’s guilt, and a pornography addiction.

My life is not pretty and has not been for as long as I can remember. People of my religion that write anything on the internet, at least the ones I’ve seen, are scared to write about real issues that they have because I feel like they are scared that people will attack our religion and say that is the main root of their problem, or that someone will take them as a prime example of the Church and say the Church is messed up. I am not a prime example of my Church, and I do not reflect the overall state of it. Is Saddam Hussein a prime example of his Church? What about Hitler? Or Dick Cheney? Obama? What about your next door neighbor? Do they represent their religion? No.

I am not scared of having my religion attacked, because it happens everyday and I do not know anyone here. So why should I care about your opinions of me or my decisions or my Church? Most people who criticize our Church have not researched it with an open heart and just look at what everyone else says and uses that as an argument, instead of researching and making their own. I’m not saying that is everyone though, because there are some people who are former members of the Church that speak out against it or just plain disagree and that is their choice, they can legitimately say that they went to the Church and didn’t get it or disagree.

Anyway, I feel a bit strongly about this, as you can tell. My point is that if everyone stopped pointing fingers or judging other people the world would be a happier place. Why can’t we all seriously just stop judging each other and let everyone just live their lives? My brother is gay, and so is my niece. They know I believe in my Church (and everyone knows that the LDS Church is against gay marriage) and they also know that I love them and accept them 100%. They know that I will always support them and back them up when I am needed.

I think I am beginning to sound like a hippy (not that I judge hippies either). Anyway, my life is my life and your life is your life. Just as I do not judge you, I ask that you do not judge me however, you can judge me all you want. I just disagree with judging all around and probably won’t listen to you if all you do is flame (hate comment) me.

This totally got off topic from Rome and Japan. You see what I mean in my first post? I ramble on and on, but whatever, this is just for me anyways. Even that rant right now on judging other people is mostly for me. Those thoughts have just been circling in my head for the longest time.

Now, to post this or not to post this, that is the question…

I probably should. You never know what effect your words will have, whether it will be positive or negative. But the only way to find out is to put them out there.

So, here you go.

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