Oh my Lord, can you stop it now emotions?

Life.

What is life?

Life is something that is made unnecessarily stressful most of the time, that’s what it is. It is also a bunch of paperwork and work ethic. Everything you want in life comes with some paper attached to it that you have to fill out. Then it needs to be processed. The only way it is approved of is if you have the backing that proves you are allowed to have whatever you filled the paper for.

It’s so tedious.

Maybe I’m being a little pessimistic. There are other good parts of life that don’t require that much paperwork, like family and friends. Even then, there needs to be some forms.

Wisdom.

I wish I had some more than I already have. I am wiser than a lot of people, but I still feel so stupid sometimes.

School is completely stupid. Classrooms are unnecessary. I could do all of this work on my own at a much faster pace, but no, I have to go according to everyone else’s deadline. I would be done with COMMUNITY college in one year. Instead I have to spend four because the first two years of it I screwed up. To be fair, I was under a lot of pressure. At the end of this I will have spent about four years at this damn college learning things that I already know to get a degree that doesn’t matter, so I can get a degree that does matter. It’s really pointless sometimes and I feel like I am drowning sometimes because things are going so slowly and all I want is for my life to begin, but it isn’t and won’t for a long time.

I need some friends here. All of my friends are states away and I can’t see them again for a long time. However, all of the people here are either completely imbecilic, pessimistic, entirely too smart (much smarter than me), or are like me, but without the same moral standards. All I want is someone who is an equal to me, and there is no one here that is like that.

My sister thinks I need therapy and on an intellectual level I know I do, but I hate opening up to people face to face. Abhor it. Why should I put that kind of trust in anybody, especially a doctor, someone I am paying. They don’t give a crap.

I’m so tired of having all of these negative emotions just pressing down on my chest. I want it all gone and done with.

Now I sound like a suicidal teenager. I’m not. Just very sad at the moment. Life will move on and things will get better. My life will eventually start, I just have to be patient. I know it will.

Someday.

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Porn Addiction, The Dark Knight, bug bites, and Taylor Swift (oh my!)

So I feel guilty. I shouldn’t, because guilt is a useless emotion as opposed to shame, but I do. Feel guilty, that is. I haven’t showed my sister these two tickets that I need to give her, I also have an addiction to porn.

I’m tired of it. I can’t even look at the word porn without a deep sense of guilt, like this big weight is just dragging my heart down. I really want it done and gone.

So I’m deciding to make good decisions from now on.

In a completely unrelated topic, The Dark Knight Rises is an amazing movie. I want to see it again and again!

Also, I have a scar on my chin (though it will go away). My zit never just pop cleanly, they always leave a mark that takes a week to fade. I clean my face and moisturize it afterwards, and I’ve done it with different products too. I think my face is just cursed (though my skin is clear more often than not, when I do get a zit it leaves a mark for a while!)

Bug bites suck! I wish I could just itch it!

Also, there is almost no food at my house. Don’t know where I’m going to get any, because all of our money is gone for the month.

Hmmmm, maybe I’m just being dramatic.

Another song to remember!

Taylor Swift: Ours

Elevator buttons and morning air
Stranger’s silence makes me wanna take the stairs
If you were here, we’d laugh about their vacant stares
But right now, my time is theirs

Seems like there’s always someone who disapproves
They’ll judge it like they know about me and you
And the verdict comes from those with nothing else to do
The jury’s out, but my choice is you

So don’t you worry your pretty little mind
People throw rocks at things that shine
And life makes love look hard
The stakes are high, the water’s rough, but this love is ours

You never know what people have up their sleeves
Ghosts from your past gonna jump out at me
Lurking in the shadows with their lip gloss smiles
But I don’t care ’cause right now you’re mine

And you’ll say don’t you worry your pretty little mind
People throw rocks at things that shine
And life makes love look hard
The stakes are high, the water’s rough, but this love is ours

And it’s not theirs to speculate if it’s wrong and
Your hands are tough but they are where mine belong in
I’ll fight their doubt and give you faith with this song for you

‘Cause I love the gap between your teeth
And I love the riddles that you speak
And any snide remarks from my father about your tattoos will be ignored
‘Cause my heart is yours

So don’t you worry your pretty little mind
People throw rocks at things that shine
And life makes love look hard

And don’t you worry your pretty little mind
People throw rocks at things that shine
But they can’t take what’s ours, they can’t take what’s ours
The stakes are high, the water’s rough, but this love is ours

–Anyways, I really need to make better decisions, because I’m tired of the way my life is going so far, so I will.

(I say that now, but I’ve said that in the past as well.)

Well where did this come from?

I love the BBC show Sherlock. Like, I absolutely adore it. In the show Dr. Watson has a blog, which is where I got my idea to start one, but I didn’t want to pay money for it. Hence why I am here.

Whenever I see blogs in TV shows or movies, something exciting is usually happening or there is a challenge someone is attempting to do (like in Julie & Julia). I am doing none of that (well maybe I’ll challenge myself, I don’t know). I really have nothing exciting happening to me at all right now. I have plenty of angst and a lot of issues, but nothing is currently happening to me.

I am in between semesters (of college), I have no job (though I vehemently wish I did), and no idea where to start. I feel like each post has to have a topic because I hate people who make no sense when they write. You know what though? Screw it! It’s my blog and, most likely, no one is going to read it anyways!

So you know what, screw you old professors who have an issue with my writing style and screw anyone who is going to judge me without even knowing me!I’m going to start expressing my opinion! Hopefully this will carry over into real life as well and I will stop being so passive in my own life (though I do think I have gotten better in the last year or so).

Maybe, maybe I will become a better person through writing.

What I really want is to become a stronger woman. I want to become an Iron Goddess like most of the women in my family. I don’t think I’m there yet but I know that I am stronger than the majority of girls on this entire freaking planet. So yes, I know I can do it.

See, I’m rambling. I do that a lot, and that is so annoying. My point is that even if I am writing to myself (and how depressing does that sound?)at least I am doing something proactive towards my mental health and my own stability. I am going to keep writing because that’s what I like to do. Besides, a very wise, older (and very pretty) lady once told me I’m good at it, which I am very proud of because this lady is freakin’ smart and a compliment from her is a very good thing (again, screw you old professors, screw you and your holier than thou faces!), but there is always room for improvement.