I want to go home.

I really want to participate in more Church activities. I want to go to single’s ward. I want to go to Institute. I miss the feeling that everything is right with the world. I don’t have that right now. I go to Church, but cut out after Sacrament because I go to a family ward and all the adult classes have old people. It’s basically like being home sick. I miss it.

Shake It Out

I was doing really well, you know? Two weeks is a long time to go without doing what you are addicted to. It really is. So I blew it. I expected better of myself. I know I can do better.

“Relapses are expected” blah, blah, blah.

I know I have the strength to quit. I just gave in because I was bored, but I knew I could be doing other things to relieve that boredom. It has been two nights of giving in.

God, please give me the strength and the will to resist tonight. I want so much more for my life and I can’t get it if I keep giving in. I resisted for two weeks. Why couldn’t I those two nights?

All I want is my own life. I can’t do it with this big huge thing weighing me down. It is a weight that feels like a literal ton on my back and I need the strength to shake it off.

“Shake It Out” by Florence and the Machine

Regrets collect like old friends
Here to relive your darkest moments
I can see no way, I can see no way
And all of the ghouls come out to play

And every demon wants his pound of flesh
But I like to keep some things to myself
I like to keep my issues drawn
It’s always darkest before the dawn

And I’ve been a fool and I’ve been blind
I can never leave the past behind
I can see no way, I can see no way
I’m always dragging that horse around

Our love is questioned, such a mournful sound
Tonight I’m gonna bury that horse in the ground
So I like to keep my issues drawn
But it’s always darkest before the dawn

Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
And it’s hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh whoa

And I am done with my graceless heart
So tonight I’m gonna cut it out and then restart
‘Cause I like to keep my issues drawn
It’s always darkest before the dawn

Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
And it’s hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh whoa

And it’s hard to dance with a devil on your back
And given half the chance would I take any of it back
It’s a fine romance but it’s left me so undone
It’s always darkest before the dawn

Oh whoa, oh whoa…

And I’m damned if I do and I’m damned if I don’t
So here’s to drinks in the dark at the end of my road
And I’m ready to suffer and I’m ready to hope
It’s a shot in the dark aimed right at my throat
‘Cause looking for heaven, found the devil in me
Looking for heaven, found the devil in me
Well what the hell I’m gonna let it happen to me, yeah

Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
And it’s hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh whoa

Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
And it’s hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh whoa

~~~~~

My new favorite song 🙂

Seriously, what do I do?

What can I do but move on? All I can really do is get back up on my feet and keep walking.

In movies they always make the recovery process seem so damn heroic, but it’s really not. It is a day by day, step by long and boring step, process to becoming a normal, fully-functioning person. Then again, I don’t think most people are fully-functioning, but that is what I want for myself.

I’m tired of waking up feeling horrible about myself. I loved those two weeks. It was like freedom, I was happy.

Oh my Lord, can you stop it now emotions?

Life.

What is life?

Life is something that is made unnecessarily stressful most of the time, that’s what it is. It is also a bunch of paperwork and work ethic. Everything you want in life comes with some paper attached to it that you have to fill out. Then it needs to be processed. The only way it is approved of is if you have the backing that proves you are allowed to have whatever you filled the paper for.

It’s so tedious.

Maybe I’m being a little pessimistic. There are other good parts of life that don’t require that much paperwork, like family and friends. Even then, there needs to be some forms.

Wisdom.

I wish I had some more than I already have. I am wiser than a lot of people, but I still feel so stupid sometimes.

School is completely stupid. Classrooms are unnecessary. I could do all of this work on my own at a much faster pace, but no, I have to go according to everyone else’s deadline. I would be done with COMMUNITY college in one year. Instead I have to spend four because the first two years of it I screwed up. To be fair, I was under a lot of pressure. At the end of this I will have spent about four years at this damn college learning things that I already know to get a degree that doesn’t matter, so I can get a degree that does matter. It’s really pointless sometimes and I feel like I am drowning sometimes because things are going so slowly and all I want is for my life to begin, but it isn’t and won’t for a long time.

I need some friends here. All of my friends are states away and I can’t see them again for a long time. However, all of the people here are either completely imbecilic, pessimistic, entirely too smart (much smarter than me), or are like me, but without the same moral standards. All I want is someone who is an equal to me, and there is no one here that is like that.

My sister thinks I need therapy and on an intellectual level I know I do, but I hate opening up to people face to face. Abhor it. Why should I put that kind of trust in anybody, especially a doctor, someone I am paying. They don’t give a crap.

I’m so tired of having all of these negative emotions just pressing down on my chest. I want it all gone and done with.

Now I sound like a suicidal teenager. I’m not. Just very sad at the moment. Life will move on and things will get better. My life will eventually start, I just have to be patient. I know it will.

Someday.

Porn Addiction, The Dark Knight, bug bites, and Taylor Swift (oh my!)

So I feel guilty. I shouldn’t, because guilt is a useless emotion as opposed to shame, but I do. Feel guilty, that is. I haven’t showed my sister these two tickets that I need to give her, I also have an addiction to porn.

I’m tired of it. I can’t even look at the word porn without a deep sense of guilt, like this big weight is just dragging my heart down. I really want it done and gone.

So I’m deciding to make good decisions from now on.

In a completely unrelated topic, The Dark Knight Rises is an amazing movie. I want to see it again and again!

Also, I have a scar on my chin (though it will go away). My zit never just pop cleanly, they always leave a mark that takes a week to fade. I clean my face and moisturize it afterwards, and I’ve done it with different products too. I think my face is just cursed (though my skin is clear more often than not, when I do get a zit it leaves a mark for a while!)

Bug bites suck! I wish I could just itch it!

Also, there is almost no food at my house. Don’t know where I’m going to get any, because all of our money is gone for the month.

Hmmmm, maybe I’m just being dramatic.

Another song to remember!

Taylor Swift: Ours

Elevator buttons and morning air
Stranger’s silence makes me wanna take the stairs
If you were here, we’d laugh about their vacant stares
But right now, my time is theirs

Seems like there’s always someone who disapproves
They’ll judge it like they know about me and you
And the verdict comes from those with nothing else to do
The jury’s out, but my choice is you

So don’t you worry your pretty little mind
People throw rocks at things that shine
And life makes love look hard
The stakes are high, the water’s rough, but this love is ours

You never know what people have up their sleeves
Ghosts from your past gonna jump out at me
Lurking in the shadows with their lip gloss smiles
But I don’t care ’cause right now you’re mine

And you’ll say don’t you worry your pretty little mind
People throw rocks at things that shine
And life makes love look hard
The stakes are high, the water’s rough, but this love is ours

And it’s not theirs to speculate if it’s wrong and
Your hands are tough but they are where mine belong in
I’ll fight their doubt and give you faith with this song for you

‘Cause I love the gap between your teeth
And I love the riddles that you speak
And any snide remarks from my father about your tattoos will be ignored
‘Cause my heart is yours

So don’t you worry your pretty little mind
People throw rocks at things that shine
And life makes love look hard

And don’t you worry your pretty little mind
People throw rocks at things that shine
But they can’t take what’s ours, they can’t take what’s ours
The stakes are high, the water’s rough, but this love is ours

–Anyways, I really need to make better decisions, because I’m tired of the way my life is going so far, so I will.

(I say that now, but I’ve said that in the past as well.)

Japan, Rome, and Church. (Long rant, but whatever)

My friend has gone on a mission for our Church. We are the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, in case you didn’t know. She (yes, females can go, just a bit later than the males) is currently in Japan.

–I have to interrupt that train of thought. This song is amazing. I am in love with it. You can skip if you want, it’s more for me to remember the song, because I lost my old iPod and so many songs from little known artists were on there that I loved, and I can’t for the life of me remember the band names or song titles. It’s so sad, anyways–

Trading Yesterday’s song Shattered

Yesterday I died, tomorrow’s bleeding
Fall into your sunlight
The future’s open wide beyond believing
To know why hope dies
Losing what was found, a world so hollow
Suspended in a compromise
The silence of this sound is soon to follow
Somehow sundown

And finding answers
Is forgetting all of the questions we call home
Passing the graves of the unknown

As reason clouds my eyes, with splendor fading
Illusions of the sunlight
And the reflection of a lie will keep me waiting
Love gone for so long

This day’s ending is the proof of time killing all the faith I know
Knowing that faith is all I hold

And Ive lost who I am
And I can’t understand
Why my heart is so broken
Rejecting your love
Without love gone wrong
Life
Less words
Carry on

But i know
All i know
Is that the ends beginning

Who I am from the start
Take me home to my heart
Let me go
And I will run
I will not be silenced

All this time spent in vain
Wasted years
Wasted gain
All is lost
Hope remains
And this war’s not over

Theres a light
Theres the sun
Taking all the shattered ones
To the place we belong
And his love will conquer

And Ive lost who I am
And I can’t understand
Why my heart is so broken
Rejecting your love
Without love gone wrong
Life
Less words
Carry on

But i know
All i know
Is that the ends beginning

Who I am from the start
Take me home to my heart
Let me go
And I will run
I will not be silenced

All this time spent in vain
Wasted years
Wasted gain
All is lost
Hope remains
And this war’s not over

Theres a light
Theres the sun
Taking all the shattered ones
To the place we belong
And his love will conquer all
Yes his love will conquer all

Yesterday I died, tommorrows bleeding
Fall into your sunlight

–And now back to my original train of thought. She’s in Japan, and for some reason she always (well, not always, but most of the time I have known her) says she is depressed. I have no idea if she actually is, because whenever she said it, she was playing around. I don’t think she knows what real depression is. If she does then I sympathize. I was very depressed recently and had to go to a psych ward. But I wasn’t suicidal (only technically because I was that level of depression and the only reason I would never kill myself is because of my religion, because I truly believe it and if I did die, I would have to see my parents and own up to all my mistakes and that is just something I am not ready to do, therefore I can not kill myself) and I wasn’t homicidal, so they had me as an outpatient, which is basically the same as inpatient, but shorter and I got to go home at night. Anyway, I don’t get her. She has nothing to be depressed about, as far as I know. Her parents are very rich, continually supportive, and the rest of her family is loving. I honestly don’t know of any real trials she has had in her life. Again though, I have to remind myself that I don’t know everything about her. It is just kind of annoying.

As for Rome, I have the chance to go to Rome to study abroad next semester, and I have not got on it yet. That’s something I need to do. Also, I need to apply for many, many scholarships, because that is the only way I will have money for the trip. I am not rich at all, I just know how to work the system.

I am not going to go on a mission for my Church. I feel like I should and have felt that way for so long, but I am not at the spiritual place I need to be in life in order to go, and that is not my Church talking, that is my own feeling on it. I really wish I could, but I have a lot of issues to work out. I have depression (which I am taking bupropion and going to therapy for) over a lot of things in my life, including caretaker’s guilt, and a pornography addiction.

My life is not pretty and has not been for as long as I can remember. People of my religion that write anything on the internet, at least the ones I’ve seen, are scared to write about real issues that they have because I feel like they are scared that people will attack our religion and say that is the main root of their problem, or that someone will take them as a prime example of the Church and say the Church is messed up. I am not a prime example of my Church, and I do not reflect the overall state of it. Is Saddam Hussein a prime example of his Church? What about Hitler? Or Dick Cheney? Obama? What about your next door neighbor? Do they represent their religion? No.

I am not scared of having my religion attacked, because it happens everyday and I do not know anyone here. So why should I care about your opinions of me or my decisions or my Church? Most people who criticize our Church have not researched it with an open heart and just look at what everyone else says and uses that as an argument, instead of researching and making their own. I’m not saying that is everyone though, because there are some people who are former members of the Church that speak out against it or just plain disagree and that is their choice, they can legitimately say that they went to the Church and didn’t get it or disagree.

Anyway, I feel a bit strongly about this, as you can tell. My point is that if everyone stopped pointing fingers or judging other people the world would be a happier place. Why can’t we all seriously just stop judging each other and let everyone just live their lives? My brother is gay, and so is my niece. They know I believe in my Church (and everyone knows that the LDS Church is against gay marriage) and they also know that I love them and accept them 100%. They know that I will always support them and back them up when I am needed.

I think I am beginning to sound like a hippy (not that I judge hippies either). Anyway, my life is my life and your life is your life. Just as I do not judge you, I ask that you do not judge me however, you can judge me all you want. I just disagree with judging all around and probably won’t listen to you if all you do is flame (hate comment) me.

This totally got off topic from Rome and Japan. You see what I mean in my first post? I ramble on and on, but whatever, this is just for me anyways. Even that rant right now on judging other people is mostly for me. Those thoughts have just been circling in my head for the longest time.

Now, to post this or not to post this, that is the question…

I probably should. You never know what effect your words will have, whether it will be positive or negative. But the only way to find out is to put them out there.

So, here you go.